checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You are a genius and a whore.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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