do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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