I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
