I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
