You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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