the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
