She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you will always have a special place in my vag
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
