I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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