TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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