He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
