Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
