I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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