I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
