Pappa wants mamma naked
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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