HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
