upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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