I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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