stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
