8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
