I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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