if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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