No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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