people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
