forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
