I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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