We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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