eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
