do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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