When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
