I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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