I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I deserve this hangover.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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