I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
