i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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