Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
