I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
