Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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