He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
