i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
