my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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