I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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