I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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