The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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