worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
