Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
