Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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