I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
