im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
