Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Come on in and take your pants off
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