Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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