my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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