Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Floor bacon is actually really good
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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