yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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