Michael Bay diarrhea
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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