your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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