Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
