I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Can I color on your dick again?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
