now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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