I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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