I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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