True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
