Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
