i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
