I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
