Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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