I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
