I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
