You really coming over, don't trick.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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