Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
