they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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