I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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