I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We have started to decorate penises.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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