So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
