I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize